Does Mutual Limerence Really Exist?

Mutual limerence is the intense, fated-seeming love coupling portrayed in story books or movies. After conquering a big obstacle, both people who have fallen madly, head over heels in love consummate their love in mutual emotional and physical bliss, admiration and passion for each other. For many of us, it’s the ideal and why we keep searching for “the one.” And while mutual limerence certainly does occur (at least in the beginning of some romantic relationships) the timing of limerence happening mutually in a sustained way and at the same degree of intensity for each person is much, much more rare. To add to this, not everyone experiences limerence!!

Read on to find out more about mutual limerence….

If you have had the pleasure (and probably also some pain) experiencing mutual limerence, you know it doesn’t usually unfold in the same ways we see in the movies. There can be a high level of uncertainty, doubt and wondering that can nearly drive you mad as you are in a state of hope and anticipation as the longing and yearning takes hold. If you do have the good fortune of having your love feelings reciprocated, you may feel as though the heavens have opened up!

The important thing to understand about limerence and mutual limerence is that it is a state of being in love. And just like any other emotional state, it can fluctuate in intensity, as well as fade back in….or out. This can be especially painful if you have the expectation that mutual limerence should remain at the same level of passion throughout your relationship, both for yourself and for your partner.

As you begin to get to know each other on a deeper level, some of the fantasy of the other person is bound to fade or not match up with your idea of who your partner is. This is a normal part of building and growing intimacy. In the beginning of a love relationship, we always idealize the good traits of a person and then time and experiences together begin to fill in the parts we did not know or understand yet. As a relationship transitions into deeper, bonded love, you can fall even deeper in love, but it will feel different than the intensity of limerence.

Q. How can you know if it’s mutual limerence?

You both experience an intense emotional “high” together (as well as apart) and feel a mutually all consuming desire to be together. The only real way to know? Communication. The mutual feelings of admiration and affection are validated through open communication and sharing of feelings. Both people confess to limerence symptoms such as being nervous around the other, not being able to sleep, inability to stop thinking about the other, and a general sense of giddiness, for example. Without clear communication, you will be stuck in one-sided limerence, where you don’t know the true feelings of the other person.

Another possibility is that it feels like mutual limerence, but only one person is truly in a state of limerence.

What’s happening here?

This is when one person is truly limerent but the other may have feelings for and even a crush on the other person but it’s not as intense as limerence.

What’s the difference?

The limerent person may have a heightened feeling of euphoria, intrusive and obsessive thinking about the other person, an uncontrollable desire to be together and to have the love validated. The other person may also have strong feelings, but are able to keep a distance and feelings more “in check.” This difference can be felt by the limerent person, which can cause distress and an exacerbation of limerence. As a side note, those who experience limerence also tend to be highly sensitive and intuitive about other’s feelings (more on this in my next post). If you are limerent, you are are able to pick up on slight shifts in behaviors as well as verbal and non verbal cues and extrapolate off this information. The downside is that sometimes the interpretation is incorrect. This is why it is best - though feels SO RISKY and vulnerable to communicate how you feel when you are in the midst of limerence but it is crucial in order to better understand how the other person is feeling as well.

Not everyone experiences limerence. I think this is an extremely important point to highlight. If you are someone who experiences limerence regularly but notices it does not feel reciprocated at the same level in many of your relationships, you’re not alone, and it can feel unfulfilling and frustrating. You may always feel like you’re the one who feels more, wants more, cares more. You may keep dreaming of the “mutual limerence” love relationship where you will finally be loved and feel in love to your fullest capacity. While it’s not impossible to experience mutual limerence, you don’t have to find another “limerent’ soul in order to have a fulfilling relationship or to feel loved. As long as your partner is someone who truly sees you, appreciates you, and shows you care, love and respect consistently, you don’t have to keep holding out for the “unicorn” of relationships.

The good part? The fact that you experience limerence can be a blessing in disguise. You are most likely someone who feels deeply, thinks creatively, has a deep and interesting imagination and is highly sensitive - to others, to art, to beauty. Possibly where others may overlook such things. This is a gift in this world to be able to feel love so deeply! Not everyone experiences the world in this way.

Do you have a burning question or comment about limerence? I’m writing an article on the varying experiences of limerence. I’d love to hear from you.

Please comment below or send me a message!

With love,

Coach Steph