Limerence & Love "Addiction"

How can something that feels so good begin to feel so bad? When you’re in limerence with someone who can’t or doesn’t reciprocate, you can find yourself in a living nightmare.

Limerence can be the beginning feelings of love - and when it is reciprocated, there is no other feeling quite like it on earth. When limerence is NOT reciprocated, or there is confusion, mixed signals or ambiguity, you become caught in the negative limerence cycle, which is both damaging to your self esteem as well as your heart. You can become addicted to the highs - when you feel as though the person you are in love with reciprocates. If you feel this sporadically, or intermittently, you are then in a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which is the most addictive kind of psychological conditioning. This is why people get addicted to gambling and slot machines. Sometimes you might “win” big and the flood of dopamine and feel good hormones and neurotransmitters tells your body to keep going.

The truth is, you’re in pain. You don’t want to “win big sometimes” in love. You want to feel secure, grounded, and that you can lean into the person you love and trust with your heart and soul.

Limerence and love addiction can fall into the same category because of the cycle of self-abandonment that happens in both. When you begin to only rely on another person for your sense of steadiness and feeling good, you will always be at the mercy of someone else. You begin to lose sight of yourself, your talents. Passions. Goals. What you like about yourself. Your strengths. Everything revolves around getting a hit of your LO’s attention to feel OK.

This is not love. This is a grasping for something that you long ago felt like you couldn’t get or didn’t deserve. This feels familiar, like something just out of reach. This feels like “love means longing” or “I can never be fully loved.”

These are the narratives your mind made up a long time ago and you are still playing out now, as an attempt at a do over. Limerence can be a way of feeling these feelings in a safe way. You don’t risk the same vulnerability that a mutually involved relationship demands. You get to feel the same feelings you are probably used to: feeling rejected and feeling like you are not worthy. This is no longer the truth, but you may cling to this because it’s been part of your identity.

The cure? Facing what you’re afraid of - a mutual relationship where you have to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who has the capacity to love you back in the same way you know that you are capable of. Limerence has shown you the depths of how much you can love… that’s not the deficit. Learning to be more comfortable in the face of real intimacy and vulnerability, this is the next step on the way.

Do You Push Healthy Love Away?

Are you unconsciously pushing healthy love away?

Many of us are drawn to emotionally inconsistent or unavailable partners. The result is unhealthy and unhappy relationship dynamics that have a toxic push and pull effect.

In contrast, being with someone who is emotionally available: they will engage with you consistently, show affection and appreciation freely, won’t push/pull away out of nowhere, won’t play games, and is above all, present with you. Even when you are apart you can feel the strong connection and you do not get activated or worried. This all may feel foreign and overwhelming to your nervous system.

At times, you may feel the overwhelming urge to flee or distance yourself in subtle or not so subtle ways. You may even sabotage the relationship before you have a chance to learn more about each other and let trust unfold gradually.

If you’re used to being with someone emotionally unavailable, but have found yourself with someone who can securely attach and is patient and present with you, you might catch yourself now being the one emotionally or physically distancing, going quiet, or looking for other distractions (seeking other romantic interests, working too much, being on your phone instead of talking, avoiding sex, etc.) as deactivating strategies and not know why. You may not yet have awareness around your actions, behaviors and ultimately, your choices.

Being with someone who is emotionally present with you will present new challenges that feel unfamiliar to your nervous system, brain and limbic system (emotional center):

• You won’t need to go into fight or flight mode.

• You realize you DON’T need to walk on eggshells with this person.

• You realize you actually feel SAFE and have a lot of feelings emerging but that you don’t know how to express them to someone who can actually receive them without a bad consequence on your end no matter if the emotions are positive or negative.

Because of all of this relational and emotional novelty, your nervous system may feel on the brink of shut down or repel mode.

Don’t run away yet, even if the following come up:

• Thinking your partner or potential partner is not the one for you or that something is just OFF. 

• You might look to find faults with your partner, reasons to “get away” or for it to not work out.

• Going into seeking perfection mode that no real person can live up to.

HOLD UP! Before you make any moves that may ultimately sabotage the connection, try sitting with the discomfort. What feels new or scary?

Common Triggers When Moving Towards a More Emotionally Available/Secure Partner:

1. They challenge you to be more vulnerable and honest with yourself (and them) and will encourage you to express how you are feeling: about them, the relationship and to express yourself in general.

2. They want to communicate and turn towards you (not away), to work things out rather than fight with no resolution.

3. They show the capacity for deeper listening and understanding with you, which builds more intimacy.

4. You may be confronted with a strong fear of loss. Once you begin to really, truly get closer with someone, you may realize (even unconsciously) that you’re terrified you may eventually lose him or her if you get close, feel vulnerable, attached or love them deeply. 

5. You may begin to see that you have conflicting feelings about intimacy, vulnerability and being loved, even if you say you want these things. This is common, especially if you have an insecure, avoidant or disorganized attachment style.

6. You may simultaneously want and fear closeness. If you do get the closeness and love you have been craving, it can trigger an old belief inside you. This belief may look something like: 

• “Love and closeness are dangerous. I have to protect myself (distance) so I don’t get hurt or rejected/abandoned. "

• “This can’t be right. I’m not lovable and don’t deserve this (person, love, affection, care).”

• “Something is just off. This person must not be right for me.”

In reality, what’s happening is that your old belief system and how you view yourself is fighting against a new reality and possibility for love emerging inside of you. The new belief that is forming may be a feeling or a quick thought such as:

• What if real love and closeness might be possible after all without the feelings of love deprivation, pain and drama?!

• I feel happy and loved and I’m deserving of this feeling!!

A healthy or secure partner will challenge the way you are used to reaffirming your old belief that you are unlovable, and that love isn’t to be trusted. You start to see that giving and receiving love doesn’t have to be difficult, unstable or hard won and that you are worthy of fulfilling, mutual love.

When you are with a partner who is always pulling away, distancing, causing conflict or not being open and available, this CONFIRMS the negative belief that you are unlovable and not worthy of a healthy love relationship. 

If you meet someone new who has either healed or is actively working on healing from toxic dynamics and is a more secure and available partner, the new experience/belief and partner is directing you towards accepting love and leaning into closeness without the drama and stress. This may feel unfamiliar to your nervous system, even passionless or “off.”

THE ABSENCE OF DRAMA DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS LESS PASSION & ANXIETY IS NOT EXCITEMENT. 

You have new choices: 

• You can begin to notice if your old reactions are presenting and sit with the feeling of something new (possibly scary, that feels unstable and strange). 

• You can try leaning into your partner instead of withdrawing 

• You can try talking about what is causing you discomfort/distancing and have a conversation with your partner that can lead to more understanding and closeness 

If your partner is attuned to you (a secure partner usually is) they may feel the urge to give you space but may also not know yet how to get closer to you or bring you back in.

Mindfulness Questions:

• What do you do to protect yourself if you feel threatened by closeness?

• Do you automatically withdraw or distance when you feel loved or cared for?

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Warmly,

Coach Steph