Understanding the Roots of Limerence
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A hallmark of Limerence is intense romantic longing. Not just any longing, but a longing for the most passionate, fulfilling love union ever experienced. It can include ongoing, detailed, pleasurable fantasies where you gain the emotional reciprocation and validation you so crave from this particular person. These fantasies and feelings feed the limerent hope.
Where there is hope, limerence has a hard time being extinguished.
Why is this happening to me now?
But why this person? Why is this happening? You may ask yourself these questions over and over if you experience serial limerence or can’t seem to let go of one particular LO (limerence object or love object). I’m writing this article to shed some light so you can possibly make some new connections and further your understanding as to why you are gripped by limerence. From there, you will have more internal leverage to be able to take the steps necessary to move on and heal from limerence. It’s important to understand that if you try to move on from limerence before understanding the roots of it that have led you here, actions that you take to “fall out” of limerence can backfire or it’s common to slip back into old patterns and behaviors.
Below is some food for thought based on 15 years of my own study of limerence, working with clients, and of course, my own experiences. Each person has a unique internal and emotional road map that led them to limerence, but there are some commonalities we tend to share for those who become limerent. Are any of these relatable?
Living in the Fantasy
The fantasies, daydreaming and intrusive thoughts may be self soothing to a certain extent. These coping techniques can help you escape from an uncomfortable or difficult reality or situation. It can be a huge distraction from something that is hard to deal with in your life such as:
A big career move or change
Falling out of love with a partner or a big change in a relationship
A death, end of an important relationship, role at work or any unmourned grief that lingers despite time
Feeling insecure or uncertain in your life decisions and direction in general
Ongoing stress and energy drain from parenting, a caretaking role, work, or other obligations
Finding it difficult or unsafe to form meaningful and fulfilling romantic relationships that are sustainable
2. The Devil You Know
You may be used to being in a state of longing for what you can’t have, even if it doesn’t seem logical. You may find it easier and safer to long for someone rather than take a bigger risk - this can also confirm an old internal belief such “I’ll never have what I want” or “I’m unlovable.”
You meet someone who suddenly feels familiar or like “home” (even if this person may also have toxic traits that are unhealthy for you). This person may give off mixed signals about their interest, or there may be big obstacles that keep you hanging on in intrigue, desire and turmoil - a true state of limerent confusion and emotional torture.
3. Seeking Validation
Limerence can go from a wistful, hopeful, elated place to a harsh and self criticizing shame spiral very quickly. You can begin to feel emotionally dependent on any positive feedback or reaction that can be perceived positively from LO. If you do not get this validation, or it is ambiguous, you can sink deeper and deeper into a depression mixed with anxiety that feels like hell. Any negative self-talk you have about yourself can surface as you berate yourself about what you could do differently to get their attention and the validation you desperately need.
You may begin to act in ways that you don’t feel great about. You can become angry and agitated, or behave in ways that are out of character for you because you want the pain to stop – and you feel like you finally found the answer in this person. You may want any obstacle in your way (even family or friends!) to be removed so you can focus on your LO.
Your brain may go into “challenge” mode to achieve what you desperately want, as if your life depends on it. You may feel like: If this person was to love you, you would not only finally “win”, you’d be free. You’d finally be lovable. Fully seen and appreciated. Is that what you get with limerence usually though? Usually not. And the disappointment can throw you into a kind of tunnel vision and the cycle can last for a long time - where you can only see LO and getting their attention and approval. If it is extinguished or fades out with one LO, you may find it surface again with someone else at a different time.
4. Unmet Needs and Trying for a Do-Over
Sometimes limerence can be your emotional system’s way of trying for a “do over.” If the love, affection, attention and compliments that you needed growing up were not fulfilled or given to you consistently — or had conditional terms attached to them, your core wounds —abandonment or trauma from neglect can be exposed when you meet someone who your limbic (emotional) system picks up on as familiar (as in triggers these wounds from abandonment, neglect or trauma). You may imagine that they can fulfill these things you need, finally. For example, if you desperately needed your father or mother’s attention, love, and approval growing up but they were often too distracted by work, drinking, an addiction or were physically not present very often to meet these important needs consistently, your limbic system can become very anxious around relationships and love. Your “normal” is expecting your needs to not be met consistently or even at all.
Universal Human Needs that Left Unmet Lead to a Void in Adulthood:
unconditional love
consistent care
safety
emotional support and validation
respect for body and mind
understanding
consideration
connection
compassion
time and affection
acceptance of who you are
When any or a lot of these important universal needs you had as a child and young adult were not met, it leaves a hole that feels like it can never be filled. Deep down, there is a HOPE that these universal needs can be filled, and oftentimes, the LO becomes the “savior.”
Limerence can be a safer (and still exciting) way to explore those feelings without having to get too vulnerable or risk too much. Your biggest hope is for a re-do of your earlier experience of attachment. This time, with limerence, your heart is betting 500% on someone you think might fulfill the hope of feeling whole and fulfilled.
You may even be partnered or married to someone who does not “activate” your core wounds or unmet needs. You may wonder why you have loving feelings and care but don’t feel “in love”... then the LO walks into your life and it’s like life has gone from black and white to technicolor. You may think ….I’ve never felt like this before! This MUST be it!
Limerence & Anxiety in Love
The truth is that you have most likely become accustomed to feeling love as something fleeting or conditional and that you really have to fight hard for. It may not feel like being in love if it’s not tinged with some amount of anxiety, guessing, peril or drama. The more you feel like you might lose the person’s interest or that they may reject you, the harder your drive to try to connect and reconnect with them.
If you meet someone who reminds you of an important parental figure, but who SEEMS they may be able to meet the needs that were not met by your parent, you may cling on to this for dear life. You may notice a “magnetic pull” you can’t explain. The start of a crush may crystallize into limerence where all you can do is think about them and the ways you can change yourself or make yourself more attractive to impress this person and get the love, attention and validation you desire.
The romantic fantasy is not only about a sexual culmination of the attraction and longing, it’s the waking up of important unmet needs you had and continue to have in your life that get activated, with the promise of finally getting them met —this skyrockets the limerent emotions, hope and blissful moments. The LO then gets elevated to a level above all others because you imagine that they alone have the magical ability to heal your deepest wounds and fulfill your unmet needs.
A hope of reciprocation and being together may really be a longing for:
A sense of deep understanding and connection that leads to feeling less alone in the world
Finally feeling seen, heard and understood in the ways you never experienced but longed for
Being seen as attractive and worthy of love
Being appreciated for just being you
Feeling a sense of (or hope for) emotional safety and empathy
A feeling of excitement in the possibility of feeling wanted and also needed by this person
Feeling like you matter
A dormant part of yourself that you wish could be expressed or developed that the LO demonstrates or mirrors for you
