Addicted to Love? Or Is It Limerence?
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“Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love”
Falling in love is a heady experience. Life can go from gray tones to technicolor in days.
If you’ve been in a depressed slump, experienced a huge life transition or a big loss, the rush of euphoric oxytocin/dopamine and other neurotransmitters can make you feel amazing, until - it stops feeling so great. But…is it the real person or the feeling of being in love that you love?
When you realize that despite your best efforts, you ACTUALLY can’t stop thinking about this other person even if you want to - whether or not it is even a good/rationale/sane idea to try to be with them, you may also realize you may need some help getting out of this. Your brain is now on another track and you’re headed straight to limerence.
I’m speaking here of the sustained, painful experience of limerence with someone while you are already in a relationship or married to someone else, the other person is not available for a relationship, or there are major obstacles that would prevent you from being with the other person. It can also be extremely painful if you are experiencing limerence with someone who you are in a relationship/situationship with but does not reciprocate feelings at the same level (aka. an ex who sometimes comes back, someone who wants to keep it “casual”, “no labels” or has “friend zoned” you).
Your thoughts become hijacked with being in contact with them or getting their attention and validation.
The desire for contact mixed with the intense fear of rejection can often be exceedingly high to the point it causes you distressing lows just even thinking about a rejection.
You consciously and unconsciously try to do things that you think might get their attention, a positive reaction or love rather than thinking about what might please yourself. Social media can be a beast to tackle for this one!
You spend a lot of time thinking about this person and daydreaming about them or being together (this can go from very pleasant to unpleasant over a course of time).
PS. If you are a “serial limerent” - or someone who finds themselves in a state of limerence often or as a pattern throughout life, you’re not alone.
OK - Why does limerence happen?
Let’s look at several possible underlying issues:
You grew up with a caregiver (or caregivers) you relied on who gave you inconsistent attention, affection and love or were not consistently there for you emotionally - whether it was because they were too caught up in their own life problems, grief, addiction or just because they never learned the skills to securely attach to another person and did not learn how to be emotionally mature. Bottom line: your caregivers were not able to be emotionally attuned and available to you and as a result you didn’t get your basic emotional needs met with consistency and care, even if you had “a roof over your head” and were cared for physically. This can lead you to feeling very insecure in love and choose partners or love objects (LOs) who cannot give you the reciprocated affection and validation you need (PS. having your needs met is not “too much” and is totally normal in a loving relationship). When you tried to get your needs met from an unavailable/inconsistent parent or caregiver, you were more often than not, met with rejection or a reaction like: Absence. Rejection. Verbal or nonverbal reactions that said: “Go figure it out yourself, I can’t deal with this now.”
Being in a “fantasy” relationship where you get to experience the highs of thinking about someone is way safer (and often more pleasurable) than being in a relationship where in order to sustain it, you have to actually show all of yourself and become vulnerable. Limerence can give you the highs at first, without experiencing the “real life” of an intimate partner and relationship or having to show up, flaws and all. You and the other person get to stay “perfect” - at least in your mind and limerence fantasy.
Are you drawn to relationships with major obstacles - even if you both feel the same way about each other? Any obstacle (physical distance, one or both people being in a relationship or married, logistical issues, religious or cultural barriers) will ignite and keep fanning the flames of passion, longing and that painful/pleasurable place of not being able to have the one thing you desire. You might love “the being in love” or longing feelings and reject real life. Why? It’s connected to points #1 and #2. It’s safer to think about someone constantly than to find out they might not fit the fantasy, or archetype of your ideal lover. You don’t have to show all of yourself and be vulnerable or really ask for your needs to be met. Longing can be more comfortable than risking rejection. You are more comfortable being with someone who can’t be with you fully (physically, emotionally, etc.) because it is what you grew up with and that feels normal, or like “home.” It can even be a dangerous attractor or turn-on, because in this way, you may find that you are only emotionally or erotically turned-on by someone who you can’t really be with in some way, or who can’t really be with YOU (physically, emotionally, or both) and you can reject or find yourself “not attracted” to people who show you love or attention easily (ie. that you don’t feel that you have to fight or compete for their love and attention.)
Lastly, your current life may have a deficit in one or many important life areas - maybe you’re in an unfulfilling relationship where you don’t get important needs for attention, validation and intimacy met (and don’t know how to even ask for this or if your partner can even provide it), you might not know how to even get into or sustain a healthy relationship, you may be in a career or job that you hate but don’t know what to do next and the limerence at least takes your mind off of that! You may have also been going through grief or a big loss of someone you loved or a life change that really threw you around and then limerence hit and got you out of the grief and into a new sort of heaven/hell.
It may be a combination of the above PLUS the fact that you are a highly sensitive person, possibly very creative or artistic with a mind that leans towards the romantic, love and feeling side of life. Limerence takes a mind with a lot of imagination, so it makes sense that only some people can actually experience limerence. (yes, this is a fact!!)
